The Four Stages of Marital
Conflict
Understand the four stages
of marital conflict and save your marriage relationship.
According to authors Tim and Joy Downs in their
book, The Seven Conflicts, couples who never learn how to
effectively manage their conflicts begin a series of stages in their
relationship that can ultimately destroy it.
What is marital conflict?
Marital conflict is not just a difference of opinion.
Rather, it is a series of events that have been poorly handled so as to deeply
damage the marriage relationship. Marriage issues have festered to the
point that stubbornness, pride, anger, hurt and bitterness prevent effective
marriage communication.
The root of almost all serious marital discord is
selfishness on the part of one or both parties. Saving a marriage means
rejecting selfishness, giving up pride, forgiving hurt and setting aside
bitterness; these steps grow more difficult, so it’s best to avoid the downward
spiral of marital conflict.
The best approach to making marriage work is to prevent
marital conflict. Preparing for marriage is aided by pre-marital
counseling. If this doesn’t take place, then marriage relationship
counseling soon after the wedding can give couples basic marital conflict
resolution strategies that can be used before marriage problems get out of
hand.
Marriage is a relationship where trust is built over time
as committed couples set aside their own interests for the good of their
partner and develop skills for keeping the relationship positive and open.
What causes marital conflict?
As stated above, selfishness is the main
cause of marriage conflicts. Another way of saying this is that
marital issues occur when one party insists upon having his or her way.
While everyone has personal preferences, demanding that one’s self interest
prevails is a choice that always affects the marriage. Can any
partnership succeed when one party gets his or her way all the time? Of
course not.
If the marriage relationship is to succeed, then giving
up self interest is something couples need to get used to. Eventually, sacrifice
becomes a joy, not a chore.
But the answer is not to always give in and never have
your way. The marriage relationship grows stronger as couples lovingly
share and discuss their interests, always showing a willingness to sacrifice,
but honestly working together to jointly own the best solution for the
marriage.
How marital conflict affects marriage
relationships
When
husbands and wives are unable to navigate their disagreements,
they fall into fairly predictable patterns of behavior, as suggested by the
four stages of marital conflict. It’s important to recognize that all of
these stages are dysfunctional. The stage of negotiating and compromising
can appear to be positive, but it will fall apart without commitment and a
mature understanding of the difficulties and distractions that must be
overcome.
When marriage communication breaks down, feelings are
hurt, emotions run high, and solutions seem out of reach. When marital
conflict and children live in the same home, the damage is multiplied.
Four stages of marital conflict that increase
marital discord
1. Have It Your Way.
Couples who are newly married and haven’t learned how to
successfully resolve their differences tend to try to settle things by avoiding
confrontation. They give in to each other without ever discussing the heart of
the problem. If you find yourself giving in whenever you have an argument with
your husband, eventually you will find that you are tired of this pattern and
will begin shifting your attitude toward the next stage.
2. Have It My Way.
After couples have exhausted themselves by ignoring their
own needs, they often turn the opposite way and begin demanding that their
needs are now met. A wife who has kept her opinions to herself may suddenly
realize that this has contributed to her misery and may start voicing her
thoughts and attitudes at every opportunity. But unfortunately, this stage
doesn’t work either as husband and wife begin butting heads.
3. Have It Our Way.
The third phase involves compromising and negotiating
with each other. At first, the couple may be enthusiastic at their newfound
communication style, but eventually the eagerness fades. About this time in a
marriage, couples are facing more time demands and stresses from their
parenting responsibilities, financial concerns and hectic schedules. Between an
ineffective conflict resolution style and the growing pressures of life,
couples may start to doubt their compatibility during this stage.
4. Have It Any Way You Want.
This stage marks a sense of resignation. Couples in this
stage are exhausted over the unending conflicts and might even feel hopeless
that all the unresolved issues will ever be worked out. If you find
yourself in this stage, you need expert marriage guidance.
Effective Marital Communication
Marriages don’t have to end up this way because of
conflict. With
effective communication and conflict resolution skills, couples
can work through their problems, rather than avoiding or forcing the issues. If
you recognize any of these negative stages in your own marriage, start learning
better ways to communicate with your husband. If you’re unsure of where to
start, check out a few books at the library, read articles online or talk with
successful couples you know. If conflict continues to go unresolved, consider
visiting a marriage therapist to help teach you effective strategies.
REFERENCE
http://www.imom.com/the-four-stages-of-marital-conflict/
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