Responsibilities
of Married Life
My Dear Brother and Sister: You
have united in a lifelong covenant.
Your education in married life
has begun. The first year of married life is
a year of experience, a year in
which husband and wife learn each other’s
different traits of character, as
a child learns lessons in school. In this, the
first year of your married life,
let there be no chapters that will mar your
future happiness.
To gain a proper understanding of
the marriage relation is the work of a
lifetime. Those who marry enter a
school from which they are never in this
life to be graduated.
My brother, your wife’s time and
strength and happiness are now bound
up with yours. Your influence
over her may be a savor of life unto life or of
death unto death. Be very careful
not to spoil her life.
My sister, you are now to learn
your first practical lessons in regard to the
responsibilities of married life.
Be sure to learn these lessons faithfully day
by day. Do not give way to
discontent or moodiness. Do not long for a life
of ease and inactivity. Guard
constantly against giving way to selfishness.
In your life union your
affections are to be tributary to each other’s
happiness. Each is to minister to
the happiness of the other. This is the
will of God concerning you. But
while you are to blend as one, neither of
you is to lose his or her
individuality in the other. God is the owner of your
individuality. Of Him you are to
ask: What is right? What is wrong? How
may I best fulfill the purpose of
my creation? “Ye are not your own; for
ye are bought with a price:
therefore glorify God in your body, and in your
spirit, which are God’s.”
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1 Corinthians 6:19, 20. Your love
for that which is human is to be secondary
to your love for God. The wealth
of your affection is to flow forth to Him
who gave His life for you. Living
for God, the soul sends forth to Him its
best and highest affections. Is
the greatest outflow of your love toward Him
who died for you? If it is, your
love for each other will be after heaven’s
order.
Affection may be as clear as
crystal and beauteous in its purity, yet it
may be shallow because it has not
been tested and tried. Make Christ first
and last and best in everything.
Constantly behold Him, and your love for
Him will daily become deeper and
stronger as it is submitted to the test of
trial. And as your love for Him
increases, your love for each other will grow
deeper and stronger. “We all,
with open face beholding as in a glass the
glory of the Lord, are changed
into the same image from glory to glory.” 2
Corinthians 3:18.
You now have duties to perform
that before your marriage you did not
have. “Put on therefore, ...
kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness,
long-suffering.” Walk in love, as
Christ also hath loved us.” Give careful
study to the following
instruction: “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own
husbands, as unto the Lord. For
the husband is the head of the wife, even as
Christ is the head of the
church.... Therefore as the church is subject unto
Christ, so let the wives be to their
own husbands in everything. Husbands,
love your wives, even as Christ
also loved the church, and gave Himself for
it.” Colossians 3:12; Ephesians
5:2, 22-25.
Marriage, a union for life, is a
symbol of the union between Christ and
His church. The spirit that
Christ manifests toward the church is the spirit
that husband and wife are to
manifest toward each other.
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Neither husband nor wife is to
make a plea for rulership. The Lord has
laid down the principle that is
to guide in this matter. The husband is to
cherish his wife as Christ
cherishes the church. And the wife is to respect
and love her husband. Both are to
cultivate the spirit of kindness, being
determined never to grieve or
injure the other.
My brother and sister, both of
you have strong will power. You may
make this power a great blessing
or a great curse to yourselves and to those
with whom you come in contact. Do
not try to compel each other to do as
you wish. You cannot do this and
retain each other’s love. Manifestations of
self-will destroy the peace and
happiness of the home. Let not your married
life be one of contention. If you
do you will both be unhappy. Be kind
in speech and gentle in action,
giving up your own wishes. Watch well
your words, for they have a
powerful influence for good or for ill. Allow no
sharpness to come into your
voices. Bring into your united life the fragrance
of Christlikeness.
Before a man enters a union as
close as the marriage relation, he should
learn how to control himself and
how to deal with others.
In the training of a child there
are times when the firm, matured will of
the mother meets the unreasoning,
undisciplined will of the child. At such
times there is need of great
wisdom on the part of the mother. By unwise
management, by stern compulsion,
great harm may be done the child.
Whenever possible, this crisis
should be avoided; for it means a severe
struggle for both mother and
child. But once such a crisis is entered into,
the child must be led to yield
its will to the wiser will of the parent.
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The mother should keep herself
under perfect control, doing nothing that
will arouse in the child a spirit
of defiance. She is to give no loud-voiced
commands. She will gain much by
keeping the voice low and gentle. She
is to deal with the child in a
way that will draw him to Jesus. She is to
realize that God is her Helper;
love, her power. If she is a wise Christian
she does not attempt to force the
child to submit. She prays earnestly that
the enemy shall not obtain the
victory, and, as she prays, she is conscious of
a renewal of spiritual life. She
sees that the same power that is working in
her is working also in the child.
He becomes more gentle, more submissive.
The battle is won. Her patience,
her kindness, her words of wise restraint,
have done their work. There is
peace after the storm, like the shining of the
sun after rain. And the angels,
who have been watching the scene, break
forth into songs of joy.
These crises come also in the life
of husband and wife, who, unless
controlled by the Spirit of God,
will at such times manifest the impulsive,
unreasoning spirit so often
manifested by children. As flint striking flint will
be the conflict of will with
will.
My brother, be kind, patient,
forbearing. Remember that your wife
accepted you as her husband, not
that you might rule over her, but that you
might be her helper. Never be
overbearing and dictatorial. Do not exert your
strong will power to compel your
wife to do as you wish. Remember that
she has a will and that she may
wish to have her way as much as you wish
to have yours. Remember, too,
that you have the advantage of your wider
experience. Be considerate and
courteous. “The wisdom that is from above
is first pure, then peaceable, gentle,
and easy to be entreated, full of mercy
and good fruits.” James 3:17.
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One victory it is positively
essential for you both to gain, the victory over
the stubborn will. In this
struggle you can conquer only by the aid of Christ.
You may struggle hard and long to
subdue self, but you will fail unless you
receive strength from on high. By
the grace of Christ you can gain the
victory over self and
selfishness. As you live His life, showing self-sacrifice
at every step, constantly
revealing a stronger sympathy for those in need of
help, you will gain victory after
victory. Day by day you will learn better
how to conquer self and how to
strengthen your weak points of character.
The Lord Jesus will be your
light, your strength, your crown of rejoicing,
because you yield your will to
His will.
Men and women may reach God’s
ideal for them if they will take Christ
as their Helper. Make an
unreserved surrender to God. To know that you
are striving for eternal life
will strengthen and comfort you. Christ can give
you power to overcome. By His
help you can utterly destroy the root of
selfishness.
Christ died that the life of man
might be bound up with His life in
the union of divinity and
humanity. He came to our world and lived a
divine-human life, in order that
the lives of men and women might be as
harmonious as God designs them to
be. The Saviour calls upon you to deny
self and take up the cross. Then
nothing will prevent the development of the
whole being. The daily experience
will reveal healthy, harmonious action.
Remember, my dear brother and
sister, that God is love and that by His
grace you can succeed in making
each other happy, as in your marriage
pledge you promised to do. And in
the strength of the Redeemer you can
work with wisdom and power to
help some crooked life to be straight in
God. What is there that Christ
cannot
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do? He is perfect in wisdom, in
righteousness, in love. Do not shut
yourselves up to yourselves,
satisfied to pour out all your affection upon
each other. Seize every
opportunity to contribute to the happiness of those
around you, sharing with them
your affection. Words of kindness, looks of
sympathy, expressions of
appreciation, would to many a struggling, lonely
one be as a cup of cold water to
a thirsty soul. A word of cheer, an act of
kindness, would go far to lighten
the burdens that are resting heavily upon
weary shoulders. It is in
unselfish ministry that true happiness is found. And
every word and deed of such
service is recorded in the books of heaven as
done for Christ. “Inasmuch as ye
have done it unto one of the least of these
My brethren,” He declares, “ye
have done it unto Me.” Matthew 25:40.
Live in the sunshine of the
Saviour’s love. Then your influence will
bless the world. Let the Spirit
of Christ control you. Let the law of kindness
be ever on your lips. Forbearance
and unselfishness mark the words and
actions of those who are born
again, to live the new life in Christ.
*****
“None of us liveth to himself.”
The character will manifest itself.
The looks, the tone of the voice,
the actions,—all have their influence in
making or marring the happiness
of the domestic circle. They are molding
the temper and character of the
children; they are inspiring or tending to
destroy confidence and love. All
are made either better or worse, happy
or miserable, by these
influences. We owe our families the knowledge of
the word brought into practical
life. All that it is possible for us to be to
purify, enlighten, comfort, and
encourage those connected with us in family
relation should be done.
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REFERENCE
Testimonies
for the Church
Volume
Seven
Ellen
G. White
1902
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